I don’t like the way my spouse parents—help!

How to Parent Together, Even When You Don’t Always Agree

Parenting is one of the most rewarding—and challenging—adventures we take on as partners. It brings out our deepest values, our childhood memories, and sometimes, our fears. So, what happens when you and your spouse realize you have very different ideas about how to raise your kids?

First, take a deep breath: this is incredibly common. And with some curiosity and collaboration, it’s absolutely possible to find your rhythm as a parenting team.

Why Parenting Differences Come Up

We don’t come into parenting as blank slates. We each bring with us:

• Our own upbringing (“This is how I was raised, and I turned out fine.”)

• Our ideas about safety, discipline, and what makes a “good” parent

• Different tolerance levels for mess, noise, risk, independence—you name it

• Cultural or generational influences

It’s no wonder that even two people who love each other deeply might clash when it comes to parenting.

What Different Styles Can Sound Like

• One parent is more structured, the other more laid-back

• One values obedience and order, the other prioritizes independence and emotional expression

• One jumps in quickly to help, the other prefers letting kids figure things out on their own

• One uses time-outs, the other wants to talk things through

Sound familiar?

What You Don’t Have to Do

You don’t have to be exactly the same. In fact, your differences can be strengths—if you work together with respect and openness. The goal isn’t perfect agreement. The goal is consistency, communication, and connection.

What You Can Try Instead

1. Get Curious, Not Critical

Instead of, “Why do you always let them get away with everything?” try:
“Can we talk about what you were thinking when you handled that moment the way you did?”

Invite your partner to share the why behind their parenting choices. Chances are, there’s a value or concern underneath their approach.

2. Look for Common Ground

Even if your methods differ, you’re likely on the same team when it comes to big-picture values like:

• Raising kind, respectful kids

• Building emotional resilience

• Keeping your kids safe
  Start with what you both want, then work backward to explore different ways to get there.

3. Decide What Needs to Be Unified

Not everything needs to be exactly the same. But kids do benefit from clarity and predictability. So aim to be aligned on the big stuff:

• How you handle physical safety and discipline

• What routines and boundaries are non-negotiable

• How you support each other in front of the kids

Disagreements can happen behind the scenes—but in front of your kids, try to present a united front as much as possible.

4. Repair After Conflict

Sometimes, parenting disagreements get heated. That’s okay. What matters most is that you come back to each other after the storm: ➡️ “I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. This is really important to me, and I want us to figure it out together.”

Modeling healthy repair for your kids is powerful.

5. Ask for Support When You Need It

Some parenting differences run deep—especially if past wounds or family histories are involved. If you find yourselves stuck in the same arguments, it can be helpful to work with a professional.

You don’t have to figure it all out alone.

You’re Not Doing It Wrong—You’re Just in It Together

Differences in parenting styles don’t mean you’re failing. They mean you’re both bringing something real and meaningful to the table. With intention, respect, and shared reflection, those differences can become a strength—not a stumbling block.

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