Should I make my kid apologize?

The other day, my friend texted me:
“What’s your opinion on the idea of making toddlers say they’re sorry? I’ve seen a lot of opinions on that from child development/parenting experts online and I was wondering what your two cents is!”

It’s such a great question—and one that comes up often.

Here’s my take:
I don’t suggest forcing children of any age to say “I’m sorry.”

Why Not?

While it might seem like a small or even harmless thing to do, requiring a child to apologize—especially when they’re not feeling sorry—doesn’t teach what we think it teaches. In fact, here’s what it can actually lead to:

• It doesn’t teach true empathy, good character, or appropriate behavior.
  At its worst, it teaches that saying certain words—regardless of whether you mean them—gets you out of trouble.

• It often sparks a power struggle.
  And let’s be honest, that’s not fun for anyone—especially in the middle of a playground disagreement or playdate meltdown.

So, what can we do instead?

Here’s What Does Help

• Teach appropriate behavior.
  For example, you can model and coach skills like asking for a turn, using gentle hands, or walking away when frustrated.

• Teach how to make repairs.
  This might mean offering the toy back, getting a tissue for a crying friend, or giving a gentle touch like a pat or rub on the back.
  (By around age 4, children can start coming up with their own ways to make amends—this is often where the real learning happens!)

• Teach problem solving.
  Once children are developmentally ready (typically age 4 and up), guide them in working out conflicts themselves. It might sound like:
  “Hmm… two kids and only one hula hoop. I wonder what you’ll figure out.”

I’ve witnessed countless playground disagreements over preferred balls or the last available hula hoop. Instead of stepping in to assign blame or demand an apology, I stay calm and curious.
That simple shift invites children to think critically, act with empathy, and take responsibility in a meaningful way.

Parenting is full of these little moments that invite us to look beyond the surface. Instead of checking the box with a quick “sorry,” we have an opportunity to build the lifelong skills of empathy, responsibility, and problem-solving.

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