Why Bribes Aren’t the Best Parenting Tool (and What to Do Instead)
If you’ve ever been tempted to promise your child a treat in exchange for good behavior, you’re not alone. Bribery often feels like an easy way to get through challenging moments—whether it’s surviving a grocery store meltdown or coaxing your toddler into their car seat. But while bribes can seem effective in the moment, they come with significant drawbacks that can impact your child’s long-term development and your relationship with them.
Let’s explore why bribes may not be the best parenting strategy and discuss what you can do instead to foster cooperation and mutual respect.
The Drawbacks of Using Bribes
External Motivation Over Internal Growth Alfie Kohn, in Punished by Rewards, explains that when children are bribed, they’re motivated by external rewards rather than developing intrinsic motivation. Over time, they may become more focused on what they’ll get rather than understanding the value of doing what’s right or helpful. For example, a child who is bribed with dessert for eating vegetables may never learn to appreciate the importance of a balanced diet.
Erosion of Trust and Connection Bribes can subtly shift the parent-child relationship. According to Dr. Jane Nelsen in Positive Discipline for Today’s Busy (and Overwhelmed) Parent, children might start to feel manipulated rather than understood. This dynamic can lead to power struggles and a breakdown in communication over time.
Short-Term Fix, Long-Term Problem While bribes may resolve immediate challenges, they don’t address the underlying behavior or teach problem-solving skills. For example, bribing a child to clean their room doesn’t help them learn responsibility or take pride in maintaining a tidy space.
Escalation of Demands Children quickly learn to expect rewards for behaviors they should do anyway. This can lead to escalating demands where the original reward no longer feels sufficient. What starts as a promise of a sticker might evolve into requests for bigger, more costly incentives.
What to Do Instead
Focus on Connection Connection is the foundation for cooperation. Spend time understanding your child’s perspective. When children feel heard and valued, they’re more likely to collaborate. Make an effort to address their concerns while keeping firm expectations.
Teach Problem-Solving Skills Instead of offering a bribe, involve your child in problem-solving. Dr. Nelsen suggests asking questions like, “What’s your idea for how we can get this done?” This encourages critical thinking and shared responsibility.
Use Encouragement Over Praise Encouragement focuses on effort and improvement rather than outcomes. For example, instead of saying, “Great job cleaning your room!” you could say, “You worked so hard to organize your toys. How does it feel to have everything in its place?” Encouragement fosters intrinsic motivation and a sense of competence.
Set Clear Expectations and Follow Through Consistent routines and boundaries help children feel secure. Let your child know what’s expected ahead of time. For example, before heading to the grocery store, you might say, “We’re here to buy food for dinner. I’ll need your help finding the apples. Can we do that together?”
Model the Behavior You Want to See Children learn by example. Demonstrate kindness, patience, and perseverance in your own actions. If you want your child to clean up after themselves, let them see you tidying your own space with a positive attitude.
Offer Natural and Logical Consequences Instead of rewards or bribes, allow natural or logical consequences to occur. For example, if your child refuses to wear a coat on a chilly day, let them experience feeling cold (within safe limits). Logical consequences help children see the results of their choices without feeling punished.
Building a Cooperative Family Culture
Moving away from bribes doesn’t mean giving up on influencing your child’s behavior. Instead, it’s about using tools that build long-term skills and strengthen your relationship. By focusing on connection, encouragement, and problem-solving, you create an environment where your child feels empowered and understood.
Parenting is a journey, and it’s okay to experiment with what works for your family. The next time you feel tempted to offer a bribe, try one of these alternative strategies and notice the difference it makes in your child’s response and your relationship.
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